I am not very tech savvy (?) So forgive me for not always posting correctly. I am sure there is SO much more that I can be doing with this blog, but.. *SLOW DOWN CAROLE* for now, this is FINE, right? You see I am trying to re-train this old , worn, ADHD addled brain of mine. Some days it feels like a lost cause. I mean "You can't teach a old dog new tricks" right? But I know that no matter what, I MUST try. For some CRAZY, totally insane reason God picked me, yeah ME , to give birth to eight beautiful human beings. And not just that, added to precious step children along the way. And they still NEED me. I will never know why I was chosen, but here I am. I have to learn to take care of myself so I can continue taking care of these precious hearts. I have to learn SOOO much my friends, but this is not optional. I must learn to actually LOVE myself. This is foreign language to me. I have a heart as big as Texas (maybe bigger, idk never been to Texas,lol) , I find loving others easy, natural. If you are my family or my friend, I TOTALLY LOVE YOU. I know how much God loves you and I try my best to love you in my human sized way. I am dedicated, it takes something pretty huge and awful to ever bring me to separating from that love. But childhood trauma mixed with clinical issues with depression & anxiety  and who knows what..well I have swallowed a whole lot of self hate over the years, and it is a terrible poison.It eats away at your soul. I labelled myself "Damaged Goods" a long time ago, and that label is hard to remove. So here I am 49 years down the road, trying to re learn. This past week I ended up at the hospital with chest pains and very sick. I had a heart attack back in 2010 and I was afraid it was happening again. But it wasn't, thank you God. However, something is wrong and we need to figure that out. I have been resting a lot, my body has been so weak. So lots of thinking time as well, Stress is one of the big players in this, I am sure of that. So learning how to give myself the grace to rest, slow down, and say no sometimes . It is HARD, I want to make everyone happy, and help everyone, But it is my own family and myself I need to place first in the mix for now. It feels so selfish. But I know that God will give me strength as I need it. So onward I go !

Hello! My eyes and body are pretty worn down tonight so this may not be much of a post, BUT it is a start, a baby step ! I am starting over with blogging. I REALLY enjoy writing, it feeds my soul, so here I am. I have changed the name of my blog to " just one human bean". It took awhile to settle on that name and it has some deep thinking involved. I used to have blog names that centered on the fact that I am a homeschool Mom, or some type of Mom title. But being a Mom is only part of me, and I need to start finding myself more, who I am without titles. I also want it to be known to anyone reading this. I am not ABOVE anyone, I am simply that, one human being on the path of life. Just like the rest of you. I am a broken vessel that God is working on and through. My hope is to encourage others along my path. I am a open and honest person. When I share my struggles it is not to get pity, it is so others going through the same things can feel a little less alone, Next year I will turn 50. In my 50 years I have been through SO many things that I am able to relate to folks in all walks of life. Well , that is it for tonight, my body is saying sleep and I am working on getting better at listening to it. Take care and hope we can connect here :)

Info on Emily's Mission Trip to Pine Ridge Indian Reservation this June!

Emily is going with her youth group to Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, in Wounded Knee, South Dakota this summer. June 14-19, 2015.  They will be helping out with some people who are the poorest in our country. I will adding more and more info so please check back. She needs to raise $500 total. Her first $100 needs to be turned in by March 1st.  I am trying to add a Paypal giving button here, hopefully I get it right,lol.  Thanks for your support. Our Paypal address is almostgeniuscomics@yahoo.com

Thinking Outside The Shoebox this Christmas

Sunday, November 14, 2010 at 7:12pm Well, here we are once again, entering "that time of year" ! Where did the last year go to? I for one have no idea. There are some things that have been on my mind for awhile and I felt like it was time to get this written down. I am here to issue you all a challenge this year. It seems to me that over the years the act of giving to others has become less and less personal and more simple, streamlined and sanitized. With click of a button I can give to some wonderful cause, no dirty work required. And there is that wonderful shoebox ministry, some churches have made it so simple that all you need to do is donate money, they do all the shopping and packing and sending for us, no need to even put thought into it ! And getting others to help out with those type of things is usually pretty easy. Its exciting stuff, helping some child in a third world country, that makes us feel extra special somehow. Now, am I saying that these are bad things to do? NO, please do not read this in that way. I enjoy putting a shoebox together with my kids every year and they just love shopping for those gifts, thinking about each one carefully and thoughtfully. There are so many world-wide outreach type of charitys that are just wonderful. I am not here to put them down. I think that we should help those as we can. My problem is this, are we missing out on helping the family that lives right down the road from us? Are you missing out on taking a little risk and going outside your comfort zone ? Its not as fun to talk to someone in our own area who may seem very "different" but looks like their kids could use a little help this season. What if they are druggies that spend all their welfare money on cigarettes and booze? What if they like to keep to themselves like hermits and "wouldn't want us to bug them"??? But wait...what if they are not really welfare bums like "everyone" is saying? What if they are just normal folks who have been through some really bad times? What if that "hermit" type women has been abused in her past and just doesn't find it easy to trust others? What if that family who "keeps to themselves" is just embarrased to let anyone in ? And yes, there are those who really are using the system and whatnot, but should their children suffer for their bad choices? Depression rears its ugly head this time of year and magnifys the worst situations 100 fold. Just the darkness and cold is depressing on its own, especially when you do not have suffient heat and trying to keep your kids warm. Add to that the pressures to keep up that jolly attitude and providing something of a decent Christmas for your kids and you have a very, very stress-filled situation. This is the reality for many, many , MANY familys this year. When I hear people talking about how they have to shop early so their kids get all the stuff they just "have to have", I cringe a little. Or how some people just go out without any real budget in mind and just grab whatever they think their child will like. It makes me wonder, do they know that this is not the "norm" for so many others? In some ways it also seems that people tend to ease their guilt by doing the "easy-giving" type thing. Its like, "well yeah I did buy my 4 year old a iPhone this year, but look I also helped feed some poor person in another country by clicking the donate button on my fav website!" So, enough of my rambling, here is the challenge I issue you today, and I give it to myself as well. Would you be willing to think "outside the shoebox" this year??? Would you take just a little extra time this year to find someone that really could use some help, someone you could even make real human contact with, and do what you can to help??? Someone in YOUR part of the world, someone in your neighborhood even? It is not all about money either. I have not been in the position to do anything financially in a big way for many years now, however I find ways to give. (not tooting my own horn here, just giving an example) If you need ideas, feel free to ask me. If you honestly can not find someone who seems to need help, ask around. Local churches, locial food banks, Human Services ofices, etc. Trust me, you have someone around you! So, step away from the sanitizer for a minute and get some dirt under your nails. You may just surprise yourself by how little it really takes. Heck, you may even decide to try helping those same folks out when its not a holiday season ! I know, its shocking but poor people do not just live the whole year off of those dented can goods you gave them in November. May God Bless You All this entire Holiday Season, Please do be the hands and feet of Christ this year~Very Sincerely, Carole L. MonasmithCarole L. Kruckow Monasmith on Sunday, November 14, 2010 at 7:12pm Well, here we are once again, entering "that time of year" ! Where did the last year go to? I for one have no idea. There are some things that have been on my mind for awhile and I felt like it was time to get this written down. I am here to issue you all a challenge this year. It seems to me that over the years the act of giving to others has become less and less personal and more simple, streamlined and sanitized. With click of a button I can give to some wonderful cause, no dirty work required. And there is that wonderful shoebox ministry, some churches have made it so simple that all you need to do is donate money, they do all the shopping and packing and sending for us, no need to even put thought into it ! And getting others to help out with those type of things is usually pretty easy. Its exciting stuff, helping some child in a third world country, that makes us feel extra special somehow. Now, am I saying that these are bad things to do? NO, please do not read this in that way. I enjoy putting a shoebox together with my kids every year and they just love shopping for those gifts, thinking about each one carefully and thoughtfully. There are so many world-wide outreach type of charitys that are just wonderful. I am not here to put them down. I think that we should help those as we can. My problem is this, are we missing out on helping the family that lives right down the road from us? Are you missing out on taking a little risk and going outside your comfort zone ? Its not as fun to talk to someone in our own area who may seem very "different" but looks like their kids could use a little help this season. What if they are druggies that spend all their welfare money on cigarettes and booze? What if they like to keep to themselves like hermits and "wouldn't want us to bug them"??? But wait...what if they are not really welfare bums like "everyone" is saying? What if they are just normal folks who have been through some really bad times? What if that "hermit" type women has been abused in her past and just doesn't find it easy to trust others? What if that family who "keeps to themselves" is just embarrased to let anyone in ? And yes, there are those who really are using the system and whatnot, but should their children suffer for their bad choices? Depression rears its ugly head this time of year and magnifys the worst situations 100 fold. Just the darkness and cold is depressing on its own, especially when you do not have suffient heat and trying to keep your kids warm. Add to that the pressures to keep up that jolly attitude and providing something of a decent Christmas for your kids and you have a very, very stress-filled situation. This is the reality for many, many , MANY familys this year. When I hear people talking about how they have to shop early so their kids get all the stuff they just "have to have", I cringe a little. Or how some people just go out without any real budget in mind and just grab whatever they think their child will like. It makes me wonder, do they know that this is not the "norm" for so many others? In some ways it also seems that people tend to ease their guilt by doing the "easy-giving" type thing. Its like, "well yeah I did buy my 4 year old a iPhone this year, but look I also helped feed some poor person in another country by clicking the donate button on my fav website!" So, enough of my rambling, here is the challenge I issue you today, and I give it to myself as well. Would you be willing to think "outside the shoebox" this year??? Would you take just a little extra time this year to find someone that really could use some help, someone you could even make real human contact with, and do what you can to help??? Someone in YOUR part of the world, someone in your neighborhood even? It is not all about money either. I have not been in the position to do anything financially in a big way for many years now, however I find ways to give. (not tooting my own horn here, just giving an example) If you need ideas, feel free to ask me. If you honestly can not find someone who seems to need help, ask around. Local churches, locial food banks, Human Services ofices, etc. Trust me, you have someone around you! So, step away from the sanitizer for a minute and get some dirt under your nails. You may just surprise yourself by how little it really takes. Heck, you may even decide to try helping those same folks out when its not a holiday season ! I know, its shocking but poor people do not just live the whole year off of those dented can goods you gave them in November. May God Bless You All this entire Holiday Season, Please do be the hands and feet of Christ this year~Very Sincerely, Carole L. Monasmith

Trying to get back to writing (and hopefully other creative things)

While I would LOVE to sit here for a nice long time and write about all the thing twirling around my head, all my passions, concerns, thoughts on life...alas life is HAPPENING at this moment and I only can afford a small snippet of time to 'escape" for now. Maybe I can fit in some more late at night when my house is quiet. I really enjoy writing and (along with many other passions) have put it on the back burner for far too long. Why do I do that, put aside things I actually enjoy? I think there are a few answers to that, maybe a couple of them ring true with you as well my friends. I struggle with chronic depression , depression can suck away a lot when it gets a good strangle hold on you. It tells me "You don't deserve to set aside time for yourself, you haven't earned it".... Now I also struggle with health problems, that means small jobs are now big jobs. I have to pick wisely what my energy can handle day by day. I simply can not fit as much in. So of course I think trying to get my house clean and such is top of the list, the "fun" stuff gets pushed farther & farther back. I resolve today to work on pulling it back out and smattering it among the "must-dos" of my day. Its not going to be a easy thing, it goes against all I know. I am not used to caring for myself, I am a care-GIVER. I give until I am depleted, then give a bit more. I need a better balance. I want to do more art WITH my children also, sometimes I give them some art to work on and then go do dishes...I need to get in on the fun, make some messes with them, not just near them. Well back to my work (& some play). Tell me about YOU, what do YOU enjoy? How do you (or do you?) make time for it?

Ok, so this take COURAGE my friends! I am gonna try getting back to blogging while I am "grounded" in recovery. Then I thot hmm, I have a webcam on this laptop, have had the laptop for over a year and NEVER tried it, LOL So let me know how this looks to you all.  :)

Keeping the Home Fires burning

Nov. 2, 2006      Keeping the Home Fire Burning, LITERALLY, lol :) Good Evening from a chilly Kentucky! I must mention first of all that I saw something today that made me laugh.Someone has "prompt ideas" for bloggers. Random ideas for you to write about when you have NO idea what subject to write or anything to write about. Here I am with my ADD brain whirling around , thinking of a million different things at once and never having the time to get them all down here, I can not FATHOM that someone would be sitting out there without a clue as to what to write! Oh how I wish my brain were ever that clear of thoughts,lol. Just tonight I had to choose my topic, and its a hard, hard thing for me, so much to say, so much that I am worried about, praying about,thinking about, just plain pondering and such.... I will ask prayers in my child custody issues if you are reading this, more stress and worry has been added and I struggle to stay in the right frame of mind through it all.But this is what God put on my heart as I prayed before writing so this is what I shall write about. FIRE! We rent a neat older (built 1902) house here in Kentucky. It has two sources of heat, oil and a wood burning stove. The first year we tried using both sources, but when the oil ran out and winter was NOT over, we decided that we could not afford to fill that tank again and would just use the stove. Since every year the prices for oil have gone up, we never did go back to filling that tank. Other than needing a space heater in a couple kids rooms when the temperature dips VERY low, our wood stove has kept us pretty toasty, Praise God ! I worked on that fire tonight as the evening set in and it became a bit chilly. We have not needed it the last few days, its been very mild. But tonight was going to be different and if I wanted warmth later on, the fire needed to be tended to. I had the children gather me some more kindling and starter type wood and I was ready to go. Slowly, and with patience I built the fire. I put in a larger piece of semi-dry wood. I then rolled up some newspaper rolls and set them next to it, I added some small wood chips around and on top of the paper. Then I formed a sort of "lean-to" with the kindling pieces.Careful to leave room for the fire to breath through them. Finally I struck a match and got it started. Still, my job was not done. I had to add bigger pieces of wood, little by little and fan the flames. For awhile I just allowed the fire to catch and get rolling. At this point I have it "wide-open" so to speak, the dampers are open all the way as is the flue. But still, I can't just leave it like that, it would get going fast and be burnt out WAY before the night was over. We would wake to a freezing cold house! So a little bit later, I go back to tend it again. I add some more wood, bigger pieces now and I am careful to choose ones that are not as dry and brittle. Now that it is going good I can add the greener wood. This wood is harder to catch fire and will burn long and slow. I turn the dampers a little tighter closed and adjust the flue a bit more closed also. Now I am pretty well set, I will check it one more time before bed, maybe add a log or two and tighten it a tiny bit more.This way it will be burning slow and hot all night long. Its a pretty long and careful process isn't it? Especially as I write out the steps on here it looks even longer, lol But many thoughts came to me as I was working on this fire tonight.One is just how wild of a ride I have been on in this life! I was born in Philadelphia Pa, right in the city and lived there until twenty-something when I moved to NC. I would have NEVER imagined as a city girl who had a concrete backyard (no kidding!) that I would someday live in a house that required wood to keep it warm. You really never know what God has planned. I later on lived in the North Carolina mountains when my first husband cheated on me and ran off, leaving me alone in a small town with five kids and no family near by. The house we lived in then was heated by a wood/water stove, located in a small barn outside. You had to keep that thing burning hot to heat the big 'ol house we rented there. I remember my husband telling me I would "never have to mess with that thing", that was gonna be his job. Then he left in October, guess who got the job! Yup, city girl me! I remember using all dry wood because it burned so nice, only to have to keep filling it or re-lighting it. Then I tried too much green wood and smoked myself out of the barn! LOL But guess what, when you have five small children to keep warm, you learn REALLY fast how to make a good fire. :) Flash forward almost ten years and here I am lighting fires again. Only this time, I am re-married and get to share this responsibility with my hubby and now older kids too. I also am glad the the stove is in my living room, not the barn. Walking through snow late late at night to tend a fire is NOT fun. And the funny thing is, I am actually the best one at tending the fire now,lol,shhh don't tell hubby. But as I worked on my fire tonight I keep thinking of how much it is like tending to my children. Unlike the oil or gas heat, you can not just turn it on and off. The fire is much more like parenting, you can not just turn it on and off at will. Little by little you have to work at it, really WORK at it! But there is no rushing any of it. You can't just throw on logs and have it burn out too quick, you can't smother either.You have to build,slowly and patiently and keep a close eye. Now I really understand all the old expressions, like, "keeping the home fires burning". That is a really important job! If no one keeps it going you have to start that thing all over in a very cold house. Our jobs as Moms(and Dads) are important in that same way aren't they? That's one reason why I am a stay at home Mom for now and a homeschooler. I am home tending my children because its an important job, and I do not want to leave it to anyone else.So for as long as I am able, I will do my best.  As my fire caught on and built up tonight I was encouraged by God that it is the same for my family and all the things I am going through. I don't have quick answers, but that's okay because this is a work in progress. I am meant to go slowly and keep on working at it. If I go off quickly and run like crazy trying to do EVERYTHING, and be everything, I will BURN out as will the kids. If I try to just fix everything in one fell swoop, I may smother things, kill creativity, etc. So I continue on, little by little, working bit by bit and praying for strength and patience along the way.

A Christmas Challenge for Everyone, Thinking Outside the Shoebox

I actually wrote this last year, but thought it still applied!

Well, here we are once again, entering "that time of year" ! Where did the last year go to? I for one have no idea. There are some things that have been on my mind for awhile and I felt like it was time to get this written down. I am here to issue you all a challenge this year. It seems to me that over the years the act of giving to others has become less and less personal and more simple, streamlined and sanitized. With click of a button I can give to some wonderful cause, no dirty work required. And there is that wonderful shoebox ministry, some churches have made it so simple that all you need to do is donate money, they do all the shopping and packing and sending for us, no need to even put thought into it ! And getting others to help out with those type of things is usually pretty easy. Its exciting stuff, helping some child in a third world country, that makes us feel extra special somehow. Now, am I saying that these are bad things to do? NO, please do not read this in that way. I enjoy putting a shoebox together with my kids every year and they just love shopping for those gifts, thinking about each one carefully and thoughtfully. There are so many world-wide outreach type of charitys that are just wonderful. I am not here to put them down. I think that we should help those as we can. My problem is this, are we missing out on helping the family that lives right down the road from us? Are you missing out on taking a little risk and going outside your comfort zone ? Its not as fun to talk to someone in our own area who may seem very "different" but looks like their kids could use a little help this season. What if they are druggies that spend all their welfare money on cigarettes and booze? What if they like to keep to themselves like hermits and "wouldn't want us to bug them"??? But wait...what if they are not really welfare bums like "everyone" is saying? What if they are just normal folks who have been through some really bad times? What if that "hermit" type women has been abused in her past and just doesn't find it easy to trust others? What if that family who "keeps to themselves" is just embarrased to let anyone in ? And yes, there are those who really are using the system and whatnot, but should their children suffer for their bad choices? Depression rears its ugly head this time of year and magnifys the worst situations 100 fold. Just the darkness and cold is depressing on its own, especially when you do not have suffient heat and trying to keep your kids warm. Add to that the pressures to keep up that jolly attitude and providing something of a decent Christmas for your kids and you have a very, very stress-filled situation. This is the reality for many, many , MANY familys this year. When I hear people talking about how they have to shop early so their kids get all the stuff they just "have to have", I cringe a little. Or how some people just go out without any real budget in mind and just grab whatever they think their child will like. It makes me wonder, do they know that this is not the "norm" for so many others? In some ways it also seems that people tend to ease their guilt by doing the "easy-giving" type thing. Its like, "well yeah I did buy my 4 year old a iPhone this year, but look I also helped feed some poor person in another country by clicking the donate button on my fav website!" So, enough of my rambling, here is the challenge I issue you today, and I give it to myself as well. Would you be willing to think "outside the shoebox" this year??? Would you take just a little extra time this year to find someone that really could use some help, someone you could even make real human contact with, and do what you can to help??? Someone in YOUR part of the world, someone in your neighborhood even? It is not all about money either. I have not been in the position to do anything financially in a big way for many years now, however I find ways to give. (not tooting my own horn here, just giving an example) If you need ideas, feel free to ask me. If you honestly can not find someone who seems to need help, ask around. Local churches, locial food banks, Human Services ofices, etc. Trust me, you have someone around you! So, step away from the sanitizer for a minute and get some dirt under your nails. You may just surprise yourself by how little it really takes. Heck, you may even decide to try helping those same folks out when its not a holiday season ! I know, its shocking but poor people do not just live the whole year off of those dented can goods you gave them in November. May God Bless You All this entire Holiday Season, Please do be the hands and feet of Christ this year~Very Sincerely, Carole L. Monasmith DISCLAIMER PLEASE READ!- This note certainly is not directed at any individual, many of my dear friends know exactly what I am talking about and are doing their best to help others, No rude comments please, these are just my opinions.

Kids Readings......For Pizza or Pleasure ???

Well, this one is about something that has been on my mind more than once, but was twirling in there again recently so thought I would write about it.

Growing up as a child who did not enjoy school (public or private), suffering from undiagnosed ADD, being painfully shy and who knows what else along with that. ( from age 8 on to 18 ,my brain also was handling (or trying to) the secret of sexual abuse at that hands of two of my big sisters boyfriends) I did not do well with any type of prize winning activities. In fact , I got to the point where I didn't even try at a very young age. We all knew who was going to win those things, the same kids who had perfect attendence, the "gold star" , teacher's pet kid. Why put any effort into it? That was where the label "lazy" came into my life along with teacher remarks like "doesn't put enough effort into things" "doesn't participate enough in class", etc etc.

They had read-a-thons alot among other contests. I was a good reader, but I was not a fast reader. I liked to go slow and enjoy being soaked into the story. Those stories were "safe places" in my childhood. Wonderful escapes. How could I read them so fast like the other kids? Well I didn't, and thus never won any of those prizes.

Fast forward to my own children and the start of the Book-it program from Pizza Hut. For those who are not familiar with it, they actually still have this program here in the USA, it is a reading program to encourage kids to read, they read so many books and they win free pizza. When my oldest kids were little and I was a single parent they attended public school. (even though I wanted to homeschool still, it was not an option at that time in my life) This program was being pushed as a great way to get kids reading. Now don't get me wrong, its not a horrible thing, not at all. I LOVE seeing kids get excited about reading and for some kids this is awesome. But sadly, many of my kids also suffer from ADD or ADHD and I watched them go through the same type of thing I had. Telling me how the teacher annouced to the whole class (or sometimes whole school) how this kid and that kid had earned X amount of pizza vouchers, or even reading all of their stats out loud. My kids who did not read as fast were basically the "losers". I wrote letters, talked to teachers but that was of no use. Just one more of the ins and outs of the whole social dynamics of being in school.

Fast forward a little more. I am re-married to a wonderful Christian man who beleives in homeschooling our children and I am blessed to be able to have a sort of "do-over" with my children. :) I joined a wonderful homeschool group when we lived at our other house. Some of the parents there are involved in the book-it program. They don't push it, mind you, just offer it to other homeschool Moms who want to participate. So it came up as a option for me again. I thought it over and decided on a big NO thanks. Why? Because I want my little children here to read because they LOVE reading, I want them to marinate in their books, soak them up and enjoy the ride. I do not want them to hurry up and read the easiest level books they can find just so they can earn a prize, or have a super long book reading list. I also did away with making a list of all the books they have read. That may seem odd, but it also became a competition among the siblings. Some people read fast, some people read slow, BOTH are okay really, as long as they ENJOY what they are reading. I don't want one child to feel they are "dumb" just because another child reads faster than them. I want all of my children to read for pleasure. Does this mean I never assign a book? No, if I think it will enchance what we are learning, I sometimes assign a book, but even those are books I hope they enjoy. So, no my kids will not be reading to earn pizza, or candy, or stickers, or...well you get it. :) Having a great book to settle down in a comfy spot and get wrapped up in is a treat in and of itself around here. Now, what book can I get into next....