I am not very tech savvy (?) So forgive me for not always posting correctly. I am sure there is SO much more that I can be doing with this blog, but.. *SLOW DOWN CAROLE* for now, this is FINE, right? You see I am trying to re-train this old , worn, ADHD addled brain of mine. Some days it feels like a lost cause. I mean "You can't teach a old dog new tricks" right? But I know that no matter what, I MUST try. For some CRAZY, totally insane reason God picked me, yeah ME , to give birth to eight beautiful human beings. And not just that, added to precious step children along the way. And they still NEED me. I will never know why I was chosen, but here I am. I have to learn to take care of myself so I can continue taking care of these precious hearts. I have to learn SOOO much my friends, but this is not optional. I must learn to actually LOVE myself. This is foreign language to me. I have a heart as big as Texas (maybe bigger, idk never been to Texas,lol) , I find loving others easy, natural. If you are my family or my friend, I TOTALLY LOVE YOU. I know how much God loves you and I try my best to love you in my human sized way. I am dedicated, it takes something pretty huge and awful to ever bring me to separating from that love. But childhood trauma mixed with clinical issues with depression & anxiety  and who knows what..well I have swallowed a whole lot of self hate over the years, and it is a terrible poison.It eats away at your soul. I labelled myself "Damaged Goods" a long time ago, and that label is hard to remove. So here I am 49 years down the road, trying to re learn. This past week I ended up at the hospital with chest pains and very sick. I had a heart attack back in 2010 and I was afraid it was happening again. But it wasn't, thank you God. However, something is wrong and we need to figure that out. I have been resting a lot, my body has been so weak. So lots of thinking time as well, Stress is one of the big players in this, I am sure of that. So learning how to give myself the grace to rest, slow down, and say no sometimes . It is HARD, I want to make everyone happy, and help everyone, But it is my own family and myself I need to place first in the mix for now. It feels so selfish. But I know that God will give me strength as I need it. So onward I go !